It is difficult to talk about.
The thing is, I’ve always dealt with that constant questioning of my religious beliefs.
To be honest, of all things, I just have never developed that vernacular to talk about my religious beliefs.
My past is peppered with resistance, my past is peppered with angst, rebellion, anger, you name it.
I grew up angry, very angry. A lot of my hatred stemmed from being different, from being singled out.
At nine, ten, eleven and twelve, I wanted, yearned, and became that sameness.
Who I am today to you, my friend is this identity that I have cultivated ever since I was a little child.
No matter how hard I tried to run away from the reality of things, my past catches up with me. My past is forever in my face, I fucked my past.
There were the good times, the thing about the sense of belonging is that it is addicting and when done right, you get a nice little refined reputation to carry on and in some ways, you enjoy that sense of security when your cultivated identity is validated.
But it’s a little lie. I mean that is what it started out as. When you live that long with a lie, you begin to believe it.
Any resistance to fight the lie is futile. Look at my relapses, look at my breakdowns, the lie is strong and it will fight the fight as much you do.
10 years, baby. 10 years of loneliness, anguish, low self-esteem.
It still exists today but it gets better.
The thing about the realisation that you will be okay is that it is both sad and so empowering.
It is both private and in some ways, public because you know you are not the only one.
You piss the motherfucking shit out of me. You really do. Your presence brings me to this low life condition and I am so consumed by my hatred and anger of you that I cannot see beyond it.
It is nice to get away from you. That is why I cut ties, ties that I can cut (maybe) because they are toxic and I don’t want your fucking toxic seeping through my bones.
The thing about that divorcing yourself from the situation is that you realise you can be better than that, you empathise, you get off your high horse and you just become okay. Maybe the hatred will dissipate but for the time being, just let it be, just live in blissful ignorance until you can take on that hatred of yours.
My heart is full with emotions. I cannot begin to describe to you what courses through me as I take things in.
Thing is, I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry because it was release. I could see my suffering in you and I could see you overcome that suffering of yours and I wanted to scream, “hey, i’m in the fucking same boat as you.’
So today, I cum to you bearing sum good news.
I’ve hit at the chunk of developing my own vernacular to talk about my religious beliefs. It is a work in progress but it is progress nonetheless.
I write with my heart full of hope, pain, love, anguish but I just wanted you to know, that hey, maybe i have a shot at being happy.
So thank you, thank you for taking on the role of suffering in my life, of love in my life because I really needed it. I really you needed to be a part of my 20 something life.